I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You need Xanax blowdarts
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sext me about skeletons
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
