dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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