that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
