i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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