apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
They are going to name an STD after you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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