the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
why does every cop we meet know your name?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
