Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
