the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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