i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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