I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
