Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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