Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We are all done wearing pants today
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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