im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
