her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize