what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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