I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
