nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
