I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
