he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
