1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize