Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
its liver damage thursday
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