every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
