I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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