How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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