The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
