Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
