I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
