You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
