I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
