when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
