Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
