Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Damn victory sex feels great
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
