I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
