Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
