Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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