I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just high enough for therapy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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