: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize