mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
