he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i drank out of a bidet.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
