Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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