I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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