I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
