Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
