TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
