Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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