if you like me you must not know who I am
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
