I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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