I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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