I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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