U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
