I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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