Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize