Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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