She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
