Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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