five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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