those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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